A Life of Regret
by A Girl Called Piplup
Summary: Nobody's perfect. Why should the tactician be any different? Rated T for violence.


Hi! This is my first fanfic here to test the waters and see what people think of me. I'm not the best writer, but it's something I enjoy and I want to share it with all of you (because I'm so generous XD), so I'll do my best and hope you like it! ^_^

Disclaimer: I don't own Fire Emblem or any of the characters.

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**A Life of Regret**

This… this was NOT what I had signed up for. The pain, the responsibility, the regret, all of it. This was not what I wanted. Dream jobs never were as glamorous as they were made out to be, I knew that, but I wasn't prepared for the full extent of my duties. I had always thought the job was simple: tell people where to go and what to do without getting them killed. It seemed simple enough, especially for a genius like me. I was smart and I knew it, which led to me becoming rather cocky.

Of course, nobody else could see that. They were always marveling at how I led the army to flawless victories over the enemy. I knew the extent of everyone's abilities. I made sure the area was carefully scouted out and left room for error or the possibility of backup. I was good, but I was becoming too caught up in all my glory, and no-one noticed it until it was too late…

Several of the deaths in the army I could not be accounted for, although I still blamed myself. I was told several times there was no way on earth I was responsible for the deaths of Uther, Leila and Edward, although I think to myself that if I had planned things better the fights could have been won earlier and we could have made it to their sides in time. Ninian was nothing to do with me whatsoever, as Eliwood killed her out of rage towards her draconic form. Of course, she somehow came back to life to return to her world.

For everyone else who died, however, their blood is forever on my hands, never to be washed off, and nobody tells me otherwise…

Oswin was the first to go, just before he was scheduled to retire as well. I never really knew him well. We talked on occasion about what was to come in the battle ahead. Whenever we overcame the greatest challenges he'd pat me on the shoulder and call me a 'good lass'. Before his last battle I sat next to him at dinner and he told me about his wife and daughter. He was looking forward to spending the rest of his life staying at home to look after them once we were finished on the Dread Isle. He had such high hopes for his future plans, they will never happen now.

He was with Sain, protecting Merlinus' tent in the rear. According to Heath, there were some soldiers making their way across from the south, and cavaliers from the west. It never occurred to me, even though I had considered the possibility many times in my travels with Lyn, that the two squads would circle around to swap positions and take us by surprise. I had been negligent of the slightest chance of that happening and wasn't prepared for it. Sain was a brilliant combatant, but he couldn't handle all of them alone. Still, he and Oswin stood strong whilst calling for backup. I knew they were severely outnumbered, so what did I do?

I left them there to fight, overconfident in their abilities despite the fact that Oswin was severely disadvantaged against the mounted men in speed. And that's what cost him his life.

He launched himself forward as fast as he could at one of the horsemen, who simply cantered off to the side, easily avoiding the Steel Lance that waved around in the air. As Oswin turned to launch another attack, a cavalier came up from behind and hit him in the back with an Armorslayer. It instantly pierced his armor and followed through, dropping Oswin to the ground just like that. Only then did I decide to call for Kent and Marcus to assist Sain. I had never felt like such a complete idiot and couldn't bear facing Hector with the news. The news that I had cost Oswin his life…

That was my first mistake, but certainly not my last…

Next to drop off was someone who became a very close friend to me, Matthew. His light-hearted attitude always made me smile even in some of the darkest times, with exception of Oswin's death. Otherwise, he was the guy that always made my day. We hung out quite a lot. He'd always make fun of some of the other members of the group, Serra and Hector in particular. It was especially funny watching Hector chase him around, axe raised above his head until the slippery thief made his escape up a tree. Then Hector would always begin to chop it down, hoping to bring the mongrel down with it. In the end somehow I would become his shield to hide behind and Hector would leave him alone, mumbling something about getting him one of these days. Matthew was always worth a thousand laughs.

But then we found the love of his life, Leila, dead on the shores of the Dread Isle. He kept a cheerful smile on his face, but I noticed a drastic change in his attitude. He stopped playing jokes and sat quietly by the campfire with that same smile on his face, hoping to deceive people. He worried me, so we would always stay out later than the rest of the militia, just sitting there in each other's company. I wanted to show that I would be there for him no matter what.

But I wasn't there when it counted the most…

During an assault on a temple where one of Nergal's morphs was hiding, their resident 'Angel of Death', Jaffar, was seen slinking off into one of the side rooms. It was a well known fact that Jaffar was the one who killed Leila, so I should have known better than to ask Matthew to keep an eye on him. Normally Matthew would be responsible with his duties, but he was blinded by hatred towards the assassin, and so set out for revenge. Of course, I didn't notice Matthew disappear and was foolish to think nothing of it. Sure, it was normal for him to randomly disappear, but it was still foolish to ask something like that of Matthew after everything he had been through. It was only after the battle had finished and Hector asked where he was that I told them. Naturally, the three lords stared at me wide eyed and bewildered.

It was then the realization hit me…

There was a faint clinking noise coming from inside the temple, so we all followed the sound of what we thought were swords clashing against each other, until it suddenly stopped. We pushed a creaky door open and we saw something that horrified all of us. Jaffar was slinking away into the darkness, leaving Matthew lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood, gasping for breath. I rushed over and tried to put pressure on the wound in his abdomen, but the bleeding wouldn't stop. So I called for Serra and Priscilla, and prayed that my friend would be okay. But I could only watch as the staves glowed for a period of time longer than normal, the two clerics exchanging concerned looks. Looking down at Matthew, I heard him whisper Leila's name before the light left his eyes.

That was the first time anyone had heard me scream, but not the last…

The next battle was the last one where I allowed myself to make such stupid mistakes…

I never got to know Rath, for he was always so quiet and reserved and I never got to talk to him, but he was a loyal soldier who always followed his orders right down to the fine points. His horse also suffered the same fate from the same blow, such a gentle creature that never understood or deserved anything such as death.

Hyperion was someone I couldn't talk to, but I was always fascinated with dragons and spent a lot of time learning about the faithful wyvern from his rider, Heath. He was surprised that the giant, winged lizard had taken a liking to someone so quickly, and I quickly became fond of him like he was my own. Heath even let me ride on his back once. It was amazing, flying high up in the clouds without a care in the world. But even mighty dragons, or their lesser cousins, do not have eternal life. Both Heath and I learned this when they fell from the skies.

Canas was always good conversation, being of an intelligence equal to, if not greater than, my own. We always talked about the wonders of the world and how such things could be. He was always interested in the ways of magic, but never understood how one could come into such power. He got me very interested in the subject and I asked him lots of questions, which apparently helped him see things from a perspective he never thought of before. He was researching the very origins and was close to a breakthrough before he received an untimely death.

It had been a mass slaughter in the mountain range. A ballista, heavily guarded by wyvern riders, to the north was causing a great deal of trouble for us, making it difficult to take on one of the upper ranked members of the Black Fang, who was hiding near it. So I sent Rath, Lyn and Kent in to take out the wyvern riders and shut the ballista down. Everything was going according to plan until a couple of knights showed up, flanking Lyn. Kent left Rath, who was doing fine, to go assist his lady in need. Arrows were flying, taking the wyverns out of the air one by one, but a crucial shot missed as one of the giants plummeted towards him, crushing him and his horse into the ground.

I decided to send Heath and Florina in from the side to help with the incoming flow of soldiers while the ballista was still reloading. Of course, I hadn't taken backup into my calculations. An assault of arrows came flying up at them from the mountain ridge, where a new batch of enemy archers had arrived. Florina had no trouble dodging with Huey, her Pegasus, being so quick and nimble. However, Hyperion was less graceful, if a bit sluggish, in his movements and several arrows caught him in the wings, chest and neck. I watched helplessly as he and Heath fell to the ground with a sickening crash. It was a miracle that Heath survived with nothing more than few broken ribs and a shattered arm, but unfortunately his wyvern companion was not so lucky…

As I began to lose it, I quickly ordered Canas and Marcus to take out the backup archers. Canas was capable enough to deal with archers, being a little more stable than the average spell caster, and Marcus was fast and clad in armor. The arrows practically bounced off him. But I had completely forgotten about the newly reloaded ballista which fired a single shot towards the shaman, piercing his heart. It was then I completely fell apart, leaving the army to do what it felt was best for the situation.

No more lives were lost for that battle, but their trust in me was completely gone, as was my self confidence…

It was hard for me to plan battles, as I spent hours and hours looking over the information gained from scouts, triple checking every last minor detail and possibility. It became a rare occasion for me to catch more than two hours of sleep in one night. The travelling band of mercenaries became hesitant to my orders, but still followed them nonetheless. Thankfully nobody else had to suffer, but it was already too late for those who had…

Because of me, loved ones will never see those people again. Oswin will never return to his wife and daughter, he will never undergo that long awaited retirement ceremony. Matthew… well, I guess at least he'd be able to be with Leila now, but Hector has lost one of the best spies you would ever come across, not to mention someone he grew up with. Rath will never again see the plains of Sacae, or Lyn, who was the only person he opened up to. Heath will never again fly the skies as a wyvern rider, being forever scarred from the loss of his friend, whom he raised from a hatchling. And Canas will never make the ultimate discovery behind the workings of magic.

It is hard, living every day with the regrets of my idiotic mistakes, and I look back now and wonder how I ever became such a dimwit. Such simple errors cost the lives and happiness of so many people. I had also ruined the lives of the people around them, making the burden even greater. I don't know what happened. I was the perfect tactician, renowned across the land for my skills and brilliance. Then all of a sudden it was as if Lady Luck had decided I'd had my fair share of fame and glory, and up and left me.

I guess not everyone's perfect, but still… even the imperfect ones don't have to deal with the weight I will carry on my shoulders for the rest of my life…

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Well, that's the end of my first fic. Kinda depressing really, not what I was aiming for in the first place, but it's something different. And different is good, right? Thanks for reading and please review if you liked it, or even if you didn't (as long as there's no flaming, aiming for constructive criticism). It may encourage me to write something more cheery ^_^


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